about time

the fever broke.

something in me broke yesterday. i shifted through the last stage of grief during a run perhaps, I am not quite sure. What I realized is the truth behind what everyone (even him) told me: I’m incredible. I’m worth more than being broken because he is. It doesn’t change how I feel, I still love him. But I’ve let him go. Remarkably fast, if I say so myself. He didn’t put me first, and he should have. I hope he learns how to do that in the future. Being destructively beautiful doesn’t last, and cats only warm you so much. Surely in the months to come I’ll find another flip, where I decide he really was doing the best thing for me, because wonderful things will happen and being a sentient ape I will search for patterns in that noise. “Wow, he must have known X, Y, & Z were coming and realized that he was standing in the way! He’s so considerate.” *not impressed either, McKayla*
The world is opening up (it would have anyway, which is, of course the rub) and moments are flying towards me at a speed I will have to work to maintain. I’ve gotten very used, over the past 9 years, to a privation of choice. Limits, Frank. You may have A or B, nothing else. How I will manage the depth of what I need to face is an open question. But I’m not afraid. It’s one of the reasons I can’t understand why he did what he did. It seems a reflexive action done out of fear and I’m prison-tested against letting fear push me down.
Good luck, monito.
It’s something I don’t need. I’ll make my own.
Let’s do this. 😛

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